I Stay Hidden, But Not Because Of Shame

I’m an honest person. I take pride in the fact that I’m real. I’m not always right (according to some people) but I’m passionate in my beliefs. 

The first time I went to rehab there was no social media. Family and friends knew the story, but only pieces. 

When I went in this time- all my friends could see something was off by the posts of people living in my house. I would borderline say small troubles..and frantically message people I trusted that may knows ways to help-a nurse friend for example.

I stayed 3 nights at my mom’s trying to beg rehab after rehab to let me in. My mother in law wrote a nasty post about me that I never saw thanks to my husband. It said something along the lines of I needed to get my ass back home. My sister in law would post memes that boasted her brother and said all over-indirectly- that I didn’t deserve my husband. My daughter avoided me like the plague on Facebook. My husband wrote very heart wrenching personal words…..which he didn’t do before and hasn’t since. One I remember talked about how he wanted me home, and he was going to try to go to sleep holding a pillow and see if he could trick his mind that it was me. 😦

I turned my Facebook off when I checked in. 

I think all addicts have a desire to help other people. It seems we all have to feel there is a reason for our issues and of course the easiest to say is oh how I want to get better so I can help others like me. I’d give anything to do this

A few weeks after being home I asked my husband- is it ok for me to post? Can I be honest and let people know what’s been going on? Surely there can’t be any bad in stating the truth! Yes he said- that’s fine! 

I continued to write a 3 paragraph status (my son calls them my Facebook novels) It started with Hello my name Is xxxxx and I’m an alcoholic and an addict. I explained a short version of what I’d been through lately. I had so much reponse and positive feedback. I had people reaching out to say prayers. I was relieved that I’d been honest and found out other people had been through the same. 

I used to work at a school, my kids school. I have many teachers- my actual friends on my page. I have my kids friends and parents on my page. I have my own kids on my page.

My thoughts are no one is perfect, and I’m not trying to post for shock factor. I just like knowing maybe I am giving someone hope that they can ask for help. 

I have my daughter’s boyfriend’s family on my page. I’d asked my husband before I posted- but not my daughter. She was mortified. My husband kept telling me take it down- quit writing about it. No way man! I asked you before I did and you said it was fine! 

I’ve said a million times, I won’t be my mom. My mom was always the victim, no matter who she hurt. And if she was doing what she wanted- who cares how her kids were affected. 

I quit talking about it. I’m not fake and still post real things-mostly advertising work for my job. But I don’t post how I’m doing with my addiction. 

Facebook has become a very ackward situation here. I work 12 hour days and feel guilty because I don’t have time to respond to people. My mother in law has me blocked. I’ve blocked my sister in law. This little insignificant app has brought so much crap. I delete it all the time. My husband is now embarrassed that he posted so much stuff at the lowest point in his life. If you look at his page now- he looks single because I’m all but erased from his page. My daughter is still embarrassed by the things I said before. All this may seem silly and oh good grief, why is that a big deal? It’s a big deal because my husband and my daughter spend so much time on Facebook. It takes up 50% of their day- and while my daughter will acknowledge me, my husband rarely does.

I told him I have to get this out and I like the idea of throwing my issues and secrets out to the world. So this is our compromise. I get to say what I need, but no one knows who I am. Maybe this is the right way- especially since I plan to move up through the ranks of my job. 

But I do want to post my day to day family stuff. Keep a streamlined page to keep track of what we do. We’ve came a long way but just getting started on the better life road. 

I am going to make another blog- one that shows me and life through my eyes, a little addiction talk throwed in but nothing to bare all my secrets like here. Like I said before I have passionate ideas (some say crazy) and I love to debate and understand your view. If I think this is right- how can you think this is wrong- type of debates.

My goal with WordPress was to find others like me. Find people that have taken my medicine and lived to tell. A place to explain how so many paths lead to where I am today. A place to see if I can ever find the reason that my husband and kids were enough for me to fight addiction but that I wasn’t enough for my mom to fight it. A place to see if I can get over my hate for her, because its weighing on me. 

Good thoughts for all-y’all have an awesome day! 

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