Let This Be The First Thing You Finish

I’d stay on subutex forever. I’m content, I’m breathing and I’m different than the person I was before. My husband is not ok with me staying on this medicine forever. It is fairly new, I don’t think the long terms affects have been researched enough. In rehab I was taught it is short term- a year at the most. I’ve learned my doctors and pharmacist have no desire to help me come off this medicine-ever. My husband has been voicing his concern for over a year…..what if they pull this off the market? what if your doctor leaves? what if you can’t get it anymore? He would tell me it’s hard to be proud of me, when he is left standing of shaky ground and has no clue what his future with me looks like.

A few months ago my doctor told me he was leaving the state. He has written a book on addiction and he never felt the rehab he was at, used that to their advantage. He wanted each patient to have the book, or have copies for reading at the bare minimum. The rehab did not agree. A hospital one state away promised to promote his book, and provide copies for people in treatment.

I remember when he told me he was leaving-I didn’t let myself process this or take action on what needed to be done. Like with all things, I waited till the last minute and was left scrambling calling doctor after doctor with no luck. Each one came with a different obstacle. I ended up with a psychiatrist that will do my maintenance, but I still need a therapist-for my own sanity-and maybe for some tips on growing up.

I’m sick of living like I do, I feel like I constantly go in circles. I have good intentions but I’m never productive. I just let myself stay stuck. Looking back, my nana and mom went through this too, my mom is still there. I’m trying harder and harder to break away from any resemblance of her.

In my circle life, I have a great idea, I think and think about it, I start thinking about how I could make it work, rarely I move past this stage and actually make some movement to start on something-for example-bought that chalk paint, but never started painting. Then either I get bored, tired or frustrated and I come up with my next idea. This is my life, and it sucks. I’ve cried about this so many times to my husband. After our fight awhile back, he told me quit stressing on the past. He told me go to my meetings, find a therapist and come off this medicine. He told me let this be the first thing you complete. Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m hoping for me, it will help me to make some changes. On the plus side- I have come up with another idea to make money, and of course it’s another great one, I have found a new doctor for my medicine, hopefully he will write what I need and not switch me. And today before I start work, I will find a therapist-goal for the day.

This post has been all over the place. Usually writing helps me streamline and calm me down, this isn’t really happening this time. I’m dreading going to work but the bills are screaming pay me, so I don’t really have a choice.

I’m not writing the day off this early, hopefully it will go better.

One thing I did learn in this last battle is that he is right-I have been doing this wrong. Now I feel trapped because of my work schedule. I need to attend meetings and I need to work the program. This needs to be my base, right on top of faith and prayer. I work 12 hour days (from home) so work days won’t work. I’m off 3 days a week-those are usually jam packed. I should have been going from the minute I got home, ah but that would be going back again in my head…..ok so going forward. I won’t be able to go every day like I was told I should. I still don’t know if AA or NA is best for me. But three days-I can go three days a week when I am off. Luckily there are so many meetings around me, that finding one shouldn’t be a problem….

Signing off for real now-have a good day y’all



5 thoughts on “Let This Be The First Thing You Finish

  1. Go to the meeting! Find a group you are comfortable with and make it home.

    You’re doing just fine. It’s all about progress not perfection. You are working on that progress. I’m proud of you. Keep it up.


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