I’m Still Breathing

After many many discussions I’ve come to realize we are two different people with two different outlooks on one problem.

My side is I never meant harm to my family or hell, even myself. He is right when he says I haven’t done this right. I have isolated myself, which is rehab 101 no#1 do not do this rule. I thought I was fine and could do this. And it is fine, until I leave my house. For some reason this is when trouble starts. I’ve wanted to stay positive about coming off my medicine. If I let it enter my head that I’ll struggle, I’ll certainly struggle. I know me. My kids have forgiven me, why can’t he? Everyone else in my family says (well the few people I speak to) man you sure seem happy. I’m so proud of you. I don’t hear this from him. All I hear is yelling and screaming about what I haven’t done. 

His side, best I understand is, how could I do this to him a second time. How could I have to repeat rehab? I knew how much the first round hurt him but I let myself get there again, how? He had to quit meds on his own and he didn’t use outside help. Why couldn’t I? Why did I have to do it my way only? In his mind occasionally taking something does not make an addict. The medicine I’m on is for herion users, not me. It’s a new medicine and not much is known about it. What if it hurts me? Why haven’t I done anything other than take new medicine?

Nothing justifies how he talks to me and I’m over it. But I will say I am trying to see this from his side. He doesn’t understand addiction…ok then. I’ve promised therapy and meetings, not for him but for myself. I hope he works on his problems too. Decide if you will forgive and let’s move forward, or apart. 

This world is a sad sick place. Shootings, the tragedy at Disney World and God…my daughter shows me memes (spelling?) that people post making fun of these things? It makes me sick and want to cry. There are bigger issues than what is happening in my head. I want to be a help to this world, not standing still like I am now.

I will say if the roles were switched, I would not have stayed. He stuck by me when I crumbled his entire foundation. We were married at 16. All of our parents were basically shit, in my opinion. But it was our path and we honestly helped raised each other. I want to grow old with this man. But we both have changes to make. Again, it’s one quick life and I want a good one.

I don’t know what will happen to us, but I am still trying. His biggest fear is what happens when my medicine supply is cut off. And that is becoming our reality. My doctor left the state and I’m having troublr finding a new one. What will happen? Will I be strong enough? Will I let it get me and run to my mom’s to use again? God I hope not. I’ve got myself convinced I’ll never be that person again. No doubt if it happens, I’ll die. I am regretting that I am just now realizing I’ve been doing it wrong all year. Hiding in my head and my room where I was safe, was not the answer.

3 thoughts on “I’m Still Breathing

    1. I have seen your blog before! It is awesome! I was honestly going to reach out to you, but figured you already had a mob of people you chat with! This is what I have been looking for, someone that is like me. It’s hard to scroll through the site on my work days-but I would love to catch up with you and ask questions! One of your blogs in particular really struck me-I’ll note which one.
      Thank you so much for reaching out and I can’t wait till we can pass a few thoughts!! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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