Verbal Knock Outs

Of course today’s word would be mountain

Just a few days ago I wrote how I’m not climbing back up right now. I’m sitting, crying at the bottom.

The beginning of this year there was a huge blowup between my husband and I. We didn’t talk for days. I was ready to move on.

But I didn’t.

He said he realized how much his words hurt me and that he would make it a priority to stop. Gradually things got better and better, we grew very close again. We peaked. I was the happiest in those times. Happier than ever. I was proud of who I was. I fought my way out of addiction, had brought my family back around to loving me and was just content. Slowly I realized he was not. I would tell him life is good, can’t you see that?

Then little by little it all crept back in. The jabs, pulling away from each other, me slowly building my guard back up. Until bam! The words. Damn they hurt. I’ve tried to stress how much. And amazingly he doesn’t remember ever saying his promise that I held onto.

No matter what it’s my fault. I deserve it. I made him do this. It’s because I panic…it’s all on me.

But it’s not. I’ve been learning while I read, it’s not all me.

Life is beautiful when it is good. I love this man, he is all I’ve ever wanted. But i can’t bear these times anymore. When I get pushed back down the mountain.

It’s like some sick twisted circle. There are so many things I’m realizing that physically make me want to throw up. One being…during that time period I was happy, I was trying to boost and encourage him. And he was just down, I couldn’t explain why. But when I’m down, he’s happy. He’s hanging out with the kids now, walking around humming and singing, laughing. My world is crashing and he is more joyful than ever. How can you break someone, then laugh at them for being down?

Why?

How?

I can’t comprehend it.

I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced verbal abuse. It’s not as well known as physical, but it hurts just the same. I used to think when I stop drinking and doing whatever, he’ll have no reason to call me names. So it will stop.

But he hasn’t. And he won’t.

The reason the first step is realizing you have a problem is this: if you don’t see something as a problem, you won’t fix it.How could you?

I’m lost. I don’t want to see his happy face. I don’t want to think about him. He has been my life for 23 years. I’ve been with him more than half my life.

I don’t understand. Maybe when I can buy my book, it will help me understand and know what to do.

The only thing I know right this second is the pain is too much. I can’t do this forever.

Just gonna keep hanging out at the bottom of this mountain till I get the strength to climb back up.

My life using the daily word prompt: Mountain

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One thought on “Verbal Knock Outs

  1. No relationship is easy. I’m sure you’ve discovered many ups and downs through your relationship with your husband countless times along your journey. I hope you can find the strength to power through whatever obstacles come your way! 🙂

    Like

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