Root Cause

I work from home as a customer service representative. My job is to take care of our business customers. We have been pressed to realize the root cause of problems. We are also given the power to recommend changes that would solve the main issue. Or at least we can take our information to the right people, for consideration. We really do listen, and hear our customers. 

I’ve submitted some of my opinions to my manager. I still send them her way, even though I’ve had 3 different managers. Because I know she will read it and take action. 

I can tell at this very minute, I’m facing a critical point in my life, learning my root cause. I’ve had my life thrown in my face, flashback style. I’m not innocent, I’m not perfect, but I’ve been living with abuse. It’s never hit me like this. It sounds so fake and stupid to even say it. In January the words were really bad, so I started looking into it. I discovered so many books, that described him and me. When life was great, I stayed far away from that reasearch. 

I can think back to so many things, from early dates to now. I’ve always defended his actions. Well if I hadn’t xyz, he wouldn’t have had to abc. 

Bullshit.

Back in my crazy addiction days when I was getting yelled, cussed and screamed at, I would think,  once I’m done this will stop. He will have no reason to call me those names.

He still does.

I’ve been told for years I don’t love him because I don’t know how to love. Bullshit.

I loved him and my kids enough to know I had to get control of myself. I had to get help. 

Fast forward a year after rehab. We are all together, which in itself is not rare, but we are out….that is rare. Everyone is sitting around the table at a restaurant. All of the kids are talking, we are laughing. I’m honestly so grateful in those minutes because years ago I thought I’d never be here. He wasn’t 100% happy, but aahh..give him time! He would be! 

I read last night one of the main reasons for addiction in women, is abuse. Now…please know…I hold my responsibility for my actions. I despise my mom for introducing me to my drug of choice, but I was the one that continued to use. But, I did say in a previous post, I believe some addicts are attempting to hide something.

This was not my first bout with rehab. I could write a tell all book and say exactly what was going on between my husband and I when I started taking pills. 

There was another girl getting and giving attention. I hated myself. When I brought it up, I was made to feel crazy or stupid. I was made to look like a fool in front of my entire family, while he remained the goodtime fun guy with a crazy wife. 

I took pills, and I liked the way they made me feel. The other didn’t hurt so bad. 

(Years later he would admit I was right about the other girl, but of course he has his reasons why) There was never sex, only flirting….either way it hurt me cause it was right in my face. 

I wish I could go back to last month and just loop there forever. Before it clicked, this is all wrong. Before it clicked, that no matter what I do, hurtful words will be thrown. Before it clicked, that I have no power here. Before it clicked, that everything I thought I was working towards will not work out. Before it clicked, that I have been ignoring this forever and just attempting to drown it all. 

I’m not looking for pity. I’m throwing this out hoping to get it out of me, so it will stop hurting so bad. 

The root cause of some of my issues are abuse. And I have to accept that, and make some of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. I thought sobriety would be the biggest fight of my life.

I was wrong.

How do I know my next move?

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