Why Try To Climb Up Again, Only To Keep Falling Down?

I’m so tired of high and lows, I could scream. I’ve made up my mind, that I’m just gonna hang out down here at the bottom awhile. I’m too tired to start pulling myself back up. 

It’s so exhausting to keep pushing foward. 

May 26th. That was my last good day. That day ended up with my husband finally letting me know he was proud of me. I teared up cause it meant so much. It was just all so sweet. I was truly the happiest I’d been in a long time. We were strong, life was beautiful. I even commented all my positives on someones blog. Just to try and get someone else to see, life doesn’t suck.

The next day was graduation day for my daughter. We had to be around family. Family stresse me out like no other. Some family didn’t show up.

Day by day, piece by piece, every little bit of solid ground I was on, crumbled. And I feel down hard with it.

This is my low. My head is killing me, I haven’t ate, work is slacking. I’m no where near suicide (I have a cousin that went that route, I’d never put that on my kids.) But I just can’t find one reason to get up in the AM and keep breathing till I reach a peak of happiness, just to go through all this shit again.

At what point does a person just get cold and bitter and shut off their feelings? 

I’m tired of the merry go rounds of life. I want either a good strong h-a-p-p-y marriage, where I don’t make someone miserable, or rip this one apart and be alone. 

I’m no newlywed, so I know everyday isn’t roses, and I don’t  need perfect or fake, just real and content. 

And of course this all happens when I’m trying to come off my medicine. 

I’m gonna go say my prayers before I say too much more. 

Did finally get to go off on my mom for missing graduation, but I didn’t feel any better.

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