Sins of My Moma

Oh this could be the title of a book. I may write the whole disaster, one day. Well, maybe that is what I am doing here.

For a year, I’ve heard “that’s your mom, you can’t cut her out” or “you will be sorry when she is gone” or “she’s sick, she can’t help it.”

Well I’m going to sound like a brat and say “oh yes, I can” “I’m sure I will be, but the woman that has taken over her body is not my mom” or “oh yes she can help it, I’ve done it myself.”

I have seen my mom about 4 times since she dropped me off at rehab in February of 2015. When I got out I didn’t see or speak to her for months. I was told not to speak to my dealer, or to hang out with my partying people, and sadly enough that was our entire relationship. That was a two-sided affair, we are both at fault for that.

I saw her a few days after Christmas for the first time. She’d shrunk a foot (we are short to begin with, both of us 5’1.) She was nonstop shaking, you could not understand her. And she was old. Not gracefully aged, just an old woman with missing teeth, that showed her age plus another 2 decades. So far away from the woman that dropped me off 10 months earlier.

I am an honest person, I’ll lay it all out on the table from the word go. But I am staying private here, out of respect for my kids and family. I don’t want to embarrass them anymore than they have been. They don’t love for my story to be public. If it wasn’t for this, I would show a picture of her from 4 years ago, to now. And I promise, you would be shocked.

I tried to muster up some sympathy when I saw her…..ok if my child cut me out of her life, I would shown some wear on my face. Plus the fact that, that alone would give her ample excuses to get more effed up than ever. Because when you are an addict, the victim role is the best one to play.

I tried to stay in contact with her. I spoke with her maybe once every two weeks. I would respond to the occasional text.

I went to her house on my daughter’s birthday. She was trying to talk my family into going out to eat with them plus my brother and sister’s families. This outing was for my sister’s birthday, whose was just two days earlier. I told her I would think about it. The last words out of that woman’s mouth when I left the house, was I’m going to run in and text H and tell her Happy Birthday. That text never came. My mom and dad got into an argument, so of course mom could not go to the birthday dinner. And my mom blamed it all on my dad. I stupidly texted my mom and asked her what the deal was. When I left, she was going to text Happy BD to my daughter, and go out to eat with her own daughter for her birthday. Why did you back out of everything.

What followed was 14 texts about how everyone is mad at her, and she just doesn’t understand and blahh blah bullshit. I never responded. (She did end up going to my sister’s house that night high as a kite, to tell her happy birthday. She wasn’t allowed in the house.)

Fast forward to last weekend. I saw my mom at my niece’s birthday. My mom was my mom. You could understand her, and she looked human. At first I was glad to see her up and about. Later the resentment came, because I realized she could go back and forth, and be good when it may be needed. I whispered to my step-dad, T is graduating. I don’t really want to set aside a ticket for mom because I can’t depend on her. “Ssshhhh!! Don’t let her hear you say that.” I explained this to my mom. There are people that want to be there, but I don’t have enough tickets. If you think you may not be coming please let me know so I can have someone there that wants to see her. I asked her this up to an hour before the ceremony. My sister has a newborn and could not being him because of lack of tickets. I should have invited her.

My mom totally ignored my birthday. Who doesn’t text their child on their birthday. Nothing.

Needless to say the witch didn’t show up for graduation either. My dad ended up coming, but spent the entire time on the phone with her. She had him feeling so guilty for absolutely nothing, that he was on the verge of tears the entire time. He left immediately after it was over, before speaking to his granddaughter, my daughter because this 58 year old woman decided to put herself in front of everyone and pitch a fit.

Yes, she is my mom and I ought not feel like I do. But I have given her chance after chance to be a mom and a grandmother. We have the worlds worst mother daughter relationship and why yes I do blame her. She was the adult, she was the mom. She was the one God gave me to protect me, not the one to teach my how to Dr Hop. I will never again, never again, never ever again, ask that woman for anything. She has yet to respond to my text going off on her, but I know her well enough that anything further just adds to the babying she will get from my stepdad. She makes me sick. My sister should have been there, and my mom should not have had the chance to ruin it.

2 thoughts on “Sins of My Moma

    1. Aahhh, thank you very much!
      I go back and forth with this. It majorly sucks, but then it is a huge part of what/who I am. I mean maybe I would have never realized how much I could hurt my own kids. Or maybe I wouldn’t have seen any need to change.
      But, I hate it. I’m just not that person, so I can’t comprehend continually hurting mine over and over.
      I’m pretty confident now that I was and will continue making the right decision for me, by having nothing to do with her. No matter what my family thinks.


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