Please excuse me, if I mispeak for you. Personally, it helps me to think there are others like me. I’m part of some team that many try to escape from, but not all of manage to leave. If my words are wrong for your situation, I apologize.
We did not plan to be this way. There was no grand scheme to wake up and decide to bring constant chaos and drama to our familes. We did not sit as kids and think, oh wow, I can’t wait to grow up and become an addict.
We crave normalcy. We look at all the regular people in the world and wonder why can’t we be that way. Why can’t I have one drink? Why can’t I just take a pill occasionally? How do you do that?
We intend our life away. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I’ll get help. Tomorrow I won’t take anything, I won’t drink.
When you are mad at us, we do hear you. We are continuously looking to numb feelings. We know how to drown you out, or yell back. We know we are messing up, we don’t know how to stop it. Believe this, we hate ourselves more than you ever could.
We are some of the most creative people you will ever meet. You want to see something wild? Hang out with someone on a hunt for their fix. We will stop at nothing, and knock down any barrier in our way. If we could change our powers for good, the world would be a much better place.
We cut people out. We don’t want to see ourselves, much less let someone else see us. We are scared, ugly, people in a horrible place. It can be terrifying to face the world.
We imagine a sober life, and fear it. I’ll never be able to do (insert activity) again without drinking/drugs! How will I ever be able to go out, see friends, grill, go on vacation without a bump of something? We believe our life can never be normal without outside chemical help.
We do love you. We never mean to hurt the people we love. It takes sober eyes to see us through your eyes. Luckily some of us will be able to do this and one day truly say I’m sorry.
We want to be better. If there was an on/off switch most of us would flip it in a second. We need help, love, prayers, encouragement. A coach, someone to hear us and guide us to the other side. Someone to teach us sober life is obtainable, and beautiful.
Those of us that manage to make it to the other side cherish life. We find joy in some of the smallest things. We notice things we didn’t before. We are grateful for true honest heart to heart talks. Completely sober conversation. We cherish it because there was a time we never thought we would have this.
Again, speaking from my experience. And if I spoke out of line for you, my apologies. If you do understand me, you are not alone. Grab a teammate and start working. The fear drowning you can be silenced.