Diving In, Head First

I have zero willpower

negative
nada
none
I go through my life these days, blinders on, focused solely on my immediate family and job. Occasionally my husband will say, how you doing on your meds?
Fine
So if I counted them, the math would match up?
Yes, but he never does.
The math would match up. I take them as directed. I’ve came down from 3 a day to 2.

I wish to God, I was that girl that could come to him one day and say surprise baby! I came off my meds all by myself!
The way I put down alcohol was a miracle. No doubt, it was God. He took that, and I never asked to have it back. It took one night of me doing something I never intended, to let me know, I’ll never be there again. God willing.
But this
This is different.
My husband and I disagree about my medicine. The medical community has different opinions about it. People in general think it’s crap. Why in the world would you take a pill, to stop taking pills.
I take it all in,

with a Grain

of salt.

If you spent 10 minutes in my head you would understand. And I’ll explain that on another page.
I started this blog to help me pour all my junk into the world. And it does help, a lot. But I also started it to refocus myself on what I’m really supposed to be doing.
I have to turn around and face my fear. I have to be strong and pray like crazy that I really have changed. That I am a new person and I can live my life completely unmedicated.
I have to
I have to
I’ve taken my family to the darkest place possible, but slowly God has pulled us back out. We all have the strongest bond now, we are unbreakable.
This is the last reminder of all the has happened. I am safe here, because life is beautiful and my medicine allows no drug cravings to enter my head.
The medicine did it’s job, which was to let me learn how to live sober. And I did. And I have.

Tomorrow is my birthday. The next day May 27, 2016, I will start weaning down. My daughter graduates that night. She will dive into the real world.
I will dive too, right into total sober living. I will come down more every 4 days until it’s no more.
I can do this. I have to do this. Please let me do this.
Just please please, don’t ever let me turn into the person I was before.
She was a miserable, unproductive, selfish, psycho, shaking, always had her face down in her hands girl. I don’t want to go back. If I go back, no doubt I’ll lose all I’ve worked for and I will die. I’m dramatic, but that’s the honest truth. If ever I am back in that hell, I won’t make it back out. This is my shot.

I’m walking around the pool, sizing up that jumping board. It’s pretty damn high, but each step will bring me closer to my goal. What I’ve been training for since I left rehab last January. Weaning may seem like just dipping my toes in the water to you, but unless you’ve been in my spot, please don’t judge. I never dreamt of being this person as a kid. I never thought I’d be here. Everyone has their “thing” that crushes the life out of them, you just pray that you can get out from under it, before permanent damage is done.

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6 thoughts on “Diving In, Head First

  1. Best of luck to you! It sounds like what you’re going through is a very challenging experience. However, just the fact that you want to change shows strength. It really does! If you can recognize that you have a problem and that you want to change, then the sky is the limit! I hope you find solace in the near future. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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