This is my birthday week. When your a mom of 4 and a wife of 20+ years you have many anniversaries, birth weights, first tooth age, birthdays, mom-when-did-this-happen….dates. Since I’ve never been good with numbers, I suck in this area. Thankfully my husband remembers what I forget. So while I’ve been wandering around as a 36 year old, he so kindly recently let me know we are 38. I will be 39 on Thursday. Almost 40. Not that 40 is old by any means at all. Except when you feel like you are 20. I’ve decided to keep it simple, I’ll stay 29 for the next few years. That’s a cute easy number to remember.
One of my flaws is that I am very high strung. Bad news, something that hurts me or my kids or any major unknowns can have me spinning. I like to call it passion, I am just too passionate about somethings.
When I have one of these passion “attacks” I immediately become a crazy person. I’ve never been able to control myself when this happens. For example: I hear you said something about me, my kids or husband. I would scratch and claw till we were face to face, let out any bad thought about you, leave you with your jaw dropped and stay mad about it for weeks, then, never think about you again.
Repeat this too many times, people see you as a crazy pshyco bitch. This was perfect times to really jump into hiding feelings with drugs and alcohol.
When you can cut everyone out you end up very lonely.
Last week I got awesome news about my youngest. It was huge and my entire household made a huge deal about it. A day later, his teacher tried to change her mind about this great news. I immediately felt my face go warm, gut dropped to my feet and typed out a very sarcastic email. i stopped myself, took a few deep breathes and put my phone down. I closed my eyes and said a prayer. I know me, and I know I would have let that eat away at me all weekend. I tried to push the I don’t know who she thinks she is, out of my head. I deleted my email, wrote a way shorter, little less sarcastic reply and said what we were going to do. I didn’t leave anything questionable, but I also didn’t leave words that would make me embarrassed when I had to face her again.
And it worked.
I was able to enjoy this past weekend, focus on other things, and come back to wrap this up when it was time. It didn’t pull me down, or hover over me. It was an issue that I had no real control over, but I could state my case. I did. It worked out AND I didn’t make a total ass of myself.
I am so proud of me
29 years old and I’m finally growing up. I’m finally realizing I can’t control what happens, but I can control how I react to what happens. If you are able to grasp this little life lesson, it’s a total game-changer.