Be Careful What You Wish For

Back in the early early stages of my fun pill days, I used to think man, if he would just do this with me. He could see what it feels like and why I love it.
Once he found out what was going on, he was like ok…let’s have some fun. So sporadically he would say hey…go get something to take, lets hang out.
From the minute the words were said, it was on. The eurphoric high was intense like none other. Non-stop rush. I can still remember how it felt. The thrill of doing something bad, but it was ok. It was handled and it was fun. I used to always say, don’t you want some? I don’t need it he said. This went on for years.
One day I got him, he said ok.
I was thrilled. FINALLY…..we could do it together.
It was great, everything was awesome. The touch way more intense, the conversations longer and up till dawn. Slowly this went from once a month to once a weekend. Of course gradually it went to from once a month to once a weekend, to everyday.
There were plenty of fun, lots of supply….times.
It took years and years, but there came a day that I realized, you got exactly what you asked for. Right what you wanted. You’re happy, right?
I wasn’t happy.
I was miserable
Terrified
Lonely
Sad
Scared
Depressed
I missed my old life, the “boring” one.
My life before pills. The days I was stupid and naive to it all. Back to the days where I was too scared to even be around pot. I wanted that life back.  The life where my husband and I had fun, laughed, enjoyed each other. Not this pathetic route where things were only good with alcohol and medicine.
And I got us here. Not by myself. But because it’s what I wanted. A girl knows how to get what she wants, we do. And I did.
This was a game changer for me. I didn’t want that life, my kids didn’t deserve that, none of us did. And I created it, for what?
A party? A good time? Good bonding time with my husband?
I freaked out, I wanted off the ride, I was trapped, it was two people with problems not one.
I spiraled
I spiraled down fast
I can only compared it to a tornado. I spiraled into craziness and sucked up everyone that was in my path. You were either bound in tight with no release, or you were thrown out. And you had no choice in which of the two you were. It was hell, just hell. The lowest point of my life ever. And it lasted so long.

It was a huge huge life lesson. It’s a common cute saying, but it can punch you in the gut.

Please please be careful what you wish for.

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